Finding a lump…

12/8 I found a lump. My heart sank and my breath caught in my throat. Every woman’s worst fear, one of the big ones anyway. I don’t even know what to think. I know I need to call the doctor but I don’t want to. I get dressed and go downstairs. I look at my three-year old playing and I know I’ll call. For her and for her sister. I don’t tell anyone. Why worry them until I know.

I made my appointment. I will go get examined on the 15th. Ugh, this will be a long week.

12/15 I made it to my appointment.  I was examined and it is decided I should have a mammogram to get pics of the lump that I had almost convinced myself I had imagined. I kept thinking that maybe she wouldn’t feel it too. Maybe her fingers would know it was nothing to worry about. Maybe I’d get a pass. But no. Next step. The Comprehensive Breast Center. 12/23. Another week.

This time I told my husband but tried to make it seem like not that big a deal.

12/16 It finally hit me that evening. My anxiety is rising. I messaged a friend who I knew had gone through this too. It felt better & worse to say it out loud. I’m laying in bed thinking I should feel for the lump again but I can’t make myself. I just don’t want to know. I don’t want to feel it. I lay there holding my arms across my chest and try to sleep. It is not easy.

12/17 I am an anxious wreck. I finally told my husband that this is really hard. He has been great. He took the girls to gymnastic class tonight so I could take a bath and relax. I sat there for over an hour reciting the serenity prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to accept the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Right now there is nothing I can do. I will make it till next Tues. I will go from there. Tomorrow is my 9th wedding anniversary.

12/18 Happy Anniversary to my husband & I. I am hoping for many, many more!

Waiting, waiting, waiting….why does this type of thing seem to happen often before the holidays? I want to ask for support, but during this time of year I feel like that is somewhat selfish. Plus I don’t know if it’s anything bad. Who needs possibly unnecessary worry over the holidays. If anyone would begin to feel even a bit like I do right now, I don’t want to share.

12/23 Today is my appointment day. Sat in the waiting room and I could feel the heaviness in the air. So many women waiting. The silence was deafening. I was called in and given a robe to put on. I changed in a dressing room and sat down to wait some more.  My turn came for my mammogram. It wasn’t to bad. Not comfortable but not painful. Then into another room to wait some more. This room had tea and coffee, a soothing waterfall, quiet music. it would have felt relaxing, if not for my beating heart. None of it helped. I was called again to head for my ultrasound. I was asked to feel the lump to show where it was. I didn’t want to, but did it. The images were taken and the technician left. The results came back in about 5 minutes. The longest 5 minutes I have felt as I lay there.

Good news! Wonderful news! A blessing! It is just a cyst that should go away on it’s own over time. No need for a biopsy. I breathe out for the first time in what feels like forever. I am more than grateful. I know that many women do not get these same results. I have a friend who has a close family member going through breast cancer treatment currently…I can’t imagine. My heart aches for these women and their loved ones.

Oh, and I think maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was selfish for me to not allow people to show support and be there for a friend. After I finally told about this scare I received so many stories about others who have gone through this too. So many friends wishing I had told them. Many lovely sentiments about how these are the times friends are for, to lean on. I learned a few valuable lessons through this experience!!

So here’s to a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year full of hope, health, love and friendship ❤

My letter. Something to celebrate!

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