Yesterday my 3 year-old daughter Audrey and I were talking on our way back from dropping her sister off at school. Our conversation went something like this.
A: “Mommy, when I’m 4 how old will sister be?” Me: “She’ll be 6.” A: “What about when I’m 5?” Me: “She’ll be 7.”
A: “Oh, I can’t wait until I’m seven, then I’ll be bigger. As big as you and then I can be a mommy too.” Me: “Well, you will be bigger but not a mommy. You won’t be a mommy until after you’ve gone to college.” ( planting the college seed early) Then I asked her what she’d want to study when she’s in college. What job she wanted to have. Her answer melted my heart.
A: “I want to study to be able to do everything like you can. I want to learn to be the best mommy just like you. I will learn to give the best snuggles and huggles. Wash clothes and make food and play games and go to the park. Oh Mommy, just everything, like you.”
Awww….my heart swelled. Then my damn brain tried to hijack the moment.
It thought to say, “Oh honey, you will learn so many great things in college. Don’t worry about being a mommy yet. You’ll have a career and travel and meet lots of people before you become a mommy. My brain wanted me to tell her that I don’t expect her to be like me. That she can be so, so much more. Whatever she dreams of being…so great, so smart and so strong. But I didn’t go there. Not this time.
I left it as sweet as it was. From her eyes, at three years old, what she sees in me shooting straight into my heart. I’m holding it there. Close. For the days I feel I’m not doing enough. Or not good enough. For the days I falter in my confidence in my mothering abilities. For the days I fall short.
This time my heart was stronger than my brain. I am going to own this. I’m going to believe my heart and my daughter. Smile and accept this as a great complement.
In this moment, in my heart, I know I am exactly who I am supposed to be, my daughters mother. ❤
My brain can shut it.
My heart wins!