Much of life is founded on trust. Trust in our partners, friends and family. Trust in our choices, our intent and ourselves. Trust in our community, government and society. Trust is BIG.
Trust can be blindly given with a general open faith in humanity. It can be carefully crafted bit by bit being slowly built up, like an ancient stone wall. Trust can work wonders and build faith. It can hold relationships together like a finely woven tapestry. Trust can be beautiful. But then again trust can be brutal. Trust can disappear in an instant. Shattered like a rock through a window. It can be slowly worn away like waves on stone by repeated offences small enough to hurt just enough to start the erosion of its sincerity. The need to trust is imprinted in our genetic make-up and the fear of trust is ingrained in us by circumstance.
I have trust issues. Yes, I know where they stem from. I could tell you all the instances of betrayal. Of trust in me and my trust of others. I know both sides. I have crushed and been crushed. I am not proud of this. I am human. But my experiences make trust very scary. To give and allow that vulnerability to be out in the open is terrifying. Leaving my trust to be cherished like a gift or to be extinguished like a candles flame, this idea makes my heart pound with fear.
For me trust is trust. Yes, there are degrees, of course the trust in my marriage is different than the trust in my doctor, but both rely on faith that it won’t be taken lightly. I have to trust that it is mutual. Whatever the degree, big or small, trust is scary and hard and….
I am not brave by design. I am insecure and too sensitive and private. I shy away from compliments and criticism equally. I think a lot, I can talk even more, but usually my innermost thoughts and ideas are kept quiet. Which is why I write. To get those thoughts out of my head. Out, so that I can make sense of them, organize and take action. When I write I am honest and open and raw. I am REAL.
I have been through many stages in my life. Some I’m proud of, some I’m not, but they are all me. This current stage is one of honesty, truth and bravery. I am going to trust with my heart and not let my brain get in the way. I have chosen to trust and to share myself. Believe me, this is huge.