I was feeling let down. At myself and my life. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankfully home with my daughters but the days were just seeming mundane. Same things day after day…play, pick up, craft, bake something, make lunch, make dinner, go to the park, grocery store, do laundry, clean….And I was also feeling like I was missing out a little. My husband would go to work and come home telling of business lunches out at fancy restaurants. Talk of big new ideas and exciting projects. He told me that he would be going to Paris again for work and as I picked the play dough out of my hair I was jealous. Not just a little jealous, but the big green-eyed monster kind.
You see I was feeling unfulfilled and guilty about that feeling. Not a good combo. I was home with my lovely daughters by choice. And at times I resented it. But I have figured out why. I was looking at it all wrong. Yes, I was being a good mother, I did everything that I thought I should. played, crafted kid crafts, went on kid field trips, and made kid foods. I was in a kid based world alone for 12 hours a day and I was beginning to feel burnt out and let down. I had projects I wanted to do that did not involve glitter and Elmer’s glue. I had places I wanted to visit, grown up places that did not involve giant inflatable castles I had to climb around. I had me goals…and I felt guilty.
Then I had this idea about my daughters getting to see the Megan part of me right along with the mommy side. I wrote about it after my daughter informed her sister that I ‘used’ to have a name before it was Mommy (you can read that blog here https://meaningfulmommy.wordpress.com/2014/04/20/all-mommies-had-there-own-kid-name-before-they-were-called-mommy-my-daughter-nora-age-5/) Her comment and my jealousy made me realize that I was doing it all wrong.
Yes, I am home with my children and they should be my focus, but that does not me I need to lose myself completely. My children do not want me to be a martyr, they want me to be happy. I made a conscious choice then and there to shape up my act. Since then we have build the pallet garden I’d wanted to try. (another blog post if you’re interested https://meaningfulmommy.wordpress.com/2014/04/24/a-pallet-garden-project-yard-food-fun/) We did it together and had the best time. My daughters helped me work and saw that I can use a hammer, stapler and figure out problems. We have shoveled, loaded and wheel barrowed woodchips and spread them with together each with our own rake. Then we spread out a blanket and had lemonade and smiled at our accomplishments. We made vision boards for our goals for the summer, me gluing what I would like to work on and ideas that look fun and the girls cut out pretty much anything and everything they wanted, but they were busy, laughing and we were together.
The amazing thing is they have also changed. They argue less, they work together more, they don’t boss me around as much demanding I get things for them. I think that the more I have shown them of myself the more they understand me. As a person, not just as a mommy. And truth be told I think they were bored too. There are only so many dolly conversations I can make up and I was in this monotonous rut, unfortunately so were they. So as the weeks seemed the same to me, well they were the same to them too.
These days I have a better balance of me and mommy. Kid world and mine combined instead of separate. And you know what? That green-eyed monster…it’s not here anymore. I am grateful for the life I have and I know Paris will always be there 🙂